Consent
So, obviously the topic of consent is far larger and far weightier than can be summed up by the phrase “just don’t be a dick, yeah?” However it is important to include, as so many gross behaviours stem from a disregard for consent.
The basic building blocks of consent in any situation are shared understanding, communication, and agreement, and it isn’t just getting a green light: it’s keeping in communication with your partner/s before, during, and after a sexual interaction.
And whilst consent is often talked about in terms of physical things or clear violations, there are so many other instances in which consent needs to be respected.
Communication
Anyone who has tried any kind of online dating has by now developed a frankly astounding vocab for ways in which someone can be a dick when it comes to communication. From ghosting to love-bombing to being zombied, it can sometimes feel like the Upside Down out there, complete with screaming monster bats and a grey polluted air of despair.
The good news is that it’s relatively easy to make dating less of a horrorshow, and it comes down to using your words and being thoughtful in your interactions with others, whether you’re starting a conversation, getting into sexy chat, or calling it a day.
Ghosting
The ancient art of leaving people on read, ghosting is when someone who has formed a connection with you just vanishes. One minute you’re arranging to hang out, the next - they’ve disappeared. Unless you have actually died (in which case, RIP) or there’s been some other major life-event, just stopping all communication is rude and immature. You’re a grown-up: send a quick, but kind message calling things off. “This has been great but I’m not in a place to keep meeting up/chatting - I wish you all the best” is really all it takes. Nobody is saying you have to keep talking or hanging out - just don’t disappear.
Zombie-ing
The levelled-up big boss of ghosting, Zombie-ing is when someone who was previously a ghost resurrects, usually with some absolutely dead line like, “hey :)” If you’re about to go all walking dead on someone, just check-in with yourself as to why you want to get back in touch. If it’s because stuff was going on, and you want to see if there’s still scope for connection, that’s up to you. If it’s because you’re bored and lonely and need an ego boost, get a hobby.
Breadcrumbing
A little compliment here, a little fire emoji there, but no plans to actually meet up, hang out, or take things to the next level? My friend, you are breadcrumbing the shit out of this. Coming from boredom and the need for a little ego boost every now and then, breadcrumbing is basically a gluten-based phrase for stringing someone along. If you’re both happy being super low-key penpals, fine, but if someone is seeking more, either step up or step away.
Negging
Negging is a vile behaviour involving giving “back-handed compliments” aka just being rude in order to undermine someone’s confidence so that they seek your approval. A technique favoured by pick-up artists, spare yourself the embarrassment of so openly displaying your adolescent attitude to sex and dating and cultivate some basic manners #PleaseAndThankYou
Love-Bombing
If you’re overloading someone with compliments in an effort to get them to interact with you, you may unintentionally be love-bombing them. Being complimentary can be appealing, and in the vulnerable space of sex and dating it’s nice to know that people are into you. However, going too far with the flattery, or persisting when you’re not receiving any positive feedback, becomes less hot, more harassment.
Cat-calling
Wolf-whistling or making sexual comments in public feels almost too retro to include on this list, but unfortunately it still happens. The moral of the story is: keep your mouth shut. It isn’t flattering, despite what internalised misogyny may have us believe.
Toxicity
Pop quiz: so many systems in this world are cesspools of sexism, racism, ableism, transphobia, homophobia, whorephobia and other fucking horrible bullshit. Do you:
A) Add to the problem, by being thoughtless and rude?
B) Ignore that shit and get on with your life #NotYourProblem?
C) Have a little think about how easy or difficult it is for you to exist in this world in relation to other people, and try to be kind and thoughtful to others?
There’s no “one size fits all” rule when it comes to putting option C into action - because if you live in this world, it absolutely is your problem, and who wants to make things worse by being a massive dickhead?
Sex Positivity
We wouldn’t be WeAreX if we didn’t offer some advice specifically about interacting in sex positive spaces. Because you can still be a bellend, even if you’re, like, actually really into Tantra n’ shit.
Sex positivity is accepting the consensual sexual behaviours of others. You don’t have to be into whatever someone else is, but not liking the same things doesn’t mean you get a hall pass to transform into a sex and dating vigilante, shutting down people’s kinks and interests like a budget batman (which, incidentally, is almost certainly a kink someone is into).
This isn’t just about interacting with the kink community, either: if anyone wants to try something that you’re not into, kinky or otherwise, you can simply move along.
“DISGUSTING”
Unless you are that Scottish mum (you know the one), this is not a useful word. Maybe you’re not into someone else’s kink, fetish, or aesthetic, and that’s fine. No one is saying that you have to be into everything and everyone. The key is not to speak or act from a place of prejudice and judgement, or, to use a phrase from the kink community, not to yuck someone’s yum. This works in the other direction, too. Not every sexual experience has to be an experimental, boundary pushing, political art project. Sometimes people just want to fucking spoon, and that’s more than okay.
Initiating conversations in an overly sexualised way
Even if you’re on a sex positive app or at an event like a sex party, that doesn’t mean it’s appropriate to initiate an interaction by listing out all the depraved things you’d like to do to/with/for someone. You’re not writing a porn script, you’re introducing yourself. There’s a time and a place for dirty talk, and neither of those are five seconds after you’ve matched or made eye-contact for the first time. Be polite and use your SFW words - words like “hello” and “I like your shoes”.
Language for Bodies
Not everyone likes to use the same terminology to describe their bodies. For some people this is because the narrow binary of scientific sex language literally doesn't include them or their body, for others it is because they prefer different terminology to affirm their gender identity, and for others still it’s because, well, it’s not hot enough. Ask what language people like to use, and correct each other by stating your preferences if someone uses language that doesn’t feel right.
Three’s A Crowd
If you’re part of a couple and planning to invite someone else into your dynamic, make sure to include them in any negotiations. Discover what they want to experience as part of the threesome, just as much as you talk to each other in your couple. You need to have a shared understanding between the three of you about how you’ll keep checking in with one another, what to do if someone needs or wants to pause, or stop completely, and what kind of aftercare you would all enjoy.
Every Day’s A School Day
Everything in BDSM requires consideration and some skill to be practised safely, and anyone who says otherwise should be considered a walking red flag with a dick drawn on it. Some things can be learned in a blog post, such as low-key spanking or simple knots, and other things should be studied in practical settings with the help of experts. Don’t assume expertise where you have none: there’s nothing wrong with being a beginner! Even the most experienced kink practitioners can always learn something new or brush up on established skills.
Mind If I Join?
If you’re in a kinky space, never interrupt anyone’s play. Unless you’re there to tell them the building is literally aflame and you all need to evacuate, do not put yourself into a scene or dynamic without the explicit invitation of those already playing. This is obnoxious on an almost incomprehensible level, not to mention potentially dangerous. Loitering and wanking is also a form of getting involved, and one that is explicitly banned at a lot of parties and events. It isn’t cool to make assumptions about the kinds of dynamics people want to play with either: a submissive isn’t a submissive for everyone, for instance.
Fetishisation Is Not A Fetish
Fetishisation is the placing of your desires and assumptions of eroticism over another person to the point where all you can see are your own (often problematic) erotic constructions, and not the person beneath them. This is objectifying in the most literal sense, and is dehumanising. Don’t try to let yourself off the hook by calling your fetishisation a sexual preference. It isn’t. It is a way of looking at people informed by prejudice. Bring your internal biases, assumptions and judgements to awareness, and stop yourself from projecting your fetishisations out into the world where they may negatively impact others.
