Consent AKA Really Basic Shit
So, obviously the topic of consent is far larger and far weightier than can be summed up by the phrase “just don’t be a dick, yeah?” However it is important to include, as sometimes at a festival things can get a little bit frisky, which is only fun (and, crucially, not assault) if everyone is DTF - down to frisk.
And here’s a lil tidbit that might blow your teeny tiny minds: consent isn’t just about sex, either. It’s just as important to get consent to crowdsurf someone as it is to lick their toes.
Consent in all situations is about shared understanding, keeping in communication, and agreement, which can be withdrawn at any time.
Consent & Getting Loose
Festivals can be a great place to get a little bit wavy and loose whilst listening to music and enjoying the atmosphere. However, wavy and loose are not good bedfellows with informed consent. Keep an eye on and look after yourself, your friends, and fellow festival-goers. Tell festival staff if you see something that seems off, or if someone is behaving in a way that makes you worried. And remember, if you’ve been a victim of assault, it was not your fault. Talk to festival staff, and they will help you.
Keep Your Hands & Eyes Inside The Vehicle
People #TurnUp for Secret Garden Party, whether in fantastical tulle or their birthday suits. As much as the temptation might be to go all 👁️👄👁️ on people, please don’t. Leering and staring is more likely to make people feel like they’re naked in a nightmare than at a festival. Getting handsy is also a big no-no. Whilst it can get crowded around our stages, someone else’s butt is not the place to rest your hands. Rest them on your own butt, if you have to, and respect other people’s boundaries.
Lying about key information
We’re absolutely not saying that coupled-up people can’t date or sleep with others because, hello, consensual non-monogamy. But if the information you’re choosing to conceal would impact someone’s choices - for instance, if someone actually wouldn’t go back to your tent if they knew you were in a relationship - you are taking those choices away from them. And taking choices away is not in line with consent.
Stealthing
A form of sexual assault, stealthing is when someone tampers with a condom, removes one, or lies about using one without their partner’s consent or knowledge. This is big time deeply illegal and a horrifying thing to do to another human being. If someone wants to use a condom to have sex with you - which, as a general rule, is a good idea at a festival - put it on and keep it on.
Three’s A Crowd
Keen for a lil festival three-way? Make sure all three of you are involved in the negotiations, even if two of you are already a couple. You need to have a shared understanding between the three of you about how you’ll keep checking in with one another, and what to do if someone needs or wants to pause, or stop completely.
Celebrate Saying No
Don’t feel like a dick if you’re saying no, and if you’re receiving a no - celebrate it! It's vital that people are able to say no, whether that’s to having sex, a dance, or another drink, as only then can you trust that someone saying yes really means it.
Just Fucking Talk To Each Other
Being at a festival that slaps as hard as Secret Garden Party can make you feel like you’re in a parallel universe. The music is great, people look cute and everyone is generally having a fucking fantastic time.
However, even in a parallel universe the basic rules of not being a dick when it comes to making conversation still apply. Whilst it’s often said that actions speak louder than words, words, especially the wrong ones, can also be pretty loud.
Celebrating Sex Positivity
Festivals are famously sex positive spaces, where the restrictions and stigmas of everyday life can be packed away for a weekend of freedom. Whilst this doesn’t mean that you have to be into whatever someone else is, or that you need to get naked in the swimming lake, it does mean accepting the consensual behaviours of others, not being judgemental, and allowing everyone to enjoy the festival in the spirit of peace and love.
IMPORTANT: Having a sex positive attitude doesn't mean that you get a hall pass to have sex wherever and whenever you want. Attendance at Secret Garden Party is very much not de facto consent to see people getting it on: it's a music festival after all, not a giant rural sex party. Public sex is an offence and can be triggering for unsuspecting witnesses, so make sure you keep the sexy times in your tent.
“DISGUSTING”
Unless you are that Scottish mum (you know the one), this is not a useful word. Maybe you’re not into someone else’s kink, fetish, or aesthetic, and that’s fine. No one is saying that you have to be into everything and everyone. The key is not to speak or act from a place of prejudice and judgement.
Every Day’s A School Day
A lot of kinkier sex activities require consideration and some skill to be practised safely. Don’t assume expertise where you have none: there’s nothing wrong with being a beginner! Even the most experienced kink practitioners can always learn something new or brush up on established skills.
Fetishisation Is Not A Fetish
Fetishisation is the placing of your desires and assumptions of eroticism over another person to the point where all you can see are your own (often problematic) erotic constructions, and not the person beneath them. Don’t try to let yourself off the hook by calling your fetishisation a sexual preference. It isn’t. It is a way of looking at people informed by prejudice.
Understanding Privilege
Privilege is complicated, and no one can tell just by looking at another person what their intersections of ease and difficulty might be. However, it is a statistical fact that women and gender non-conforming people are overwhelmingly the victims of sexual toxicity and violence, and these numbers increase with every additional point of intersectionality. Try to understand where you fit into the mix, and how your privilege might impact your interactions - sexy or otherwise - with others.
Slut-Shaming
At Secret Garden Party, people are often letting their hair down and getting their bits out. If someone wants to walk around in a teeny tiny thong or consensually make out with as many people as is physically possible in the four days of the festival, we throw them no shade. What someone is wearing, or how sexually active they are or seem to be, is not something to be judgemental about.
Don’t Make Assumptions
When you’re meeting people for the first time, try not to make assumptions about their gender identity and sexual preferences. If you feel comfortable doing so, you can introduce yourself with your pronouns, e.g. “Hey, my name is Louis, and my pronouns are he/they”. If you slip up and use the wrong pronouns for someone, apologise and move on - don’t grovel or explain, this only prolongs the agony for everyone involved.
